Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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