how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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