Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
