Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
