Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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