i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
