i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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