Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
