This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
