if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
