i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
