So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
