this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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