I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
even my farts smell like vagina
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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