Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I touched a dick in church today
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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