I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
