Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
