nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
