Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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