I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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