Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
