I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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