Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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