I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
