This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
