I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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