It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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