New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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