nut hugger
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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