Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize