one word: firstdatebathroomanal
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Drake has all the answers
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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