I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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