Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
