there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
