It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
