I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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