Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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