Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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