as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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