it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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