I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
