I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
