i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
