we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
two words...techno handjob
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
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we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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