One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
