he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
