You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
