Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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