Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
