Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
did i just pee glitter
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
