just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
