i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
