No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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