Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
