i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
