Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
